My Beloved Husband, James A. Kennedy, DVM, MS
What’s in a Heart?
All we really want is just to be loved. This is what our hearts want.
I love my foal “Gracie” (“Pattis Belle”). She has a place in my heart. This position was cemented in my heart the day she was born. 
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My love for her has grown even stronger in the last 10 months since her birth. 
Gracie’s picture was chosen to be in the June, 2016 American Quarter Horse Association America’s Horse magazine, page 6. 
What an honor. But this doesn’t make me love her any more. I love her just for herself.
What’s in a heart? “Secretariat”, the American Thoroughbred 1973 U.S. Triple Crown winner, had a heart about 2 3/4 times as large as the average horse. This was due to the “x factor”-a genetic condition passed down via the dam (mother’s) line. It was estimated to weigh around 22 pounds! He obviously had a huge heart and gave his all running his races.
His heart held power like a huge, heavy engine.
Who can romance us? Who is jealous for us? Who loves us more than any human on earth? Who can hold our hearts?
God. God wants our hearts. “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” ~Ezekiel 36:26~ This is what we truly want. We want to have our hearts wanted!
We must believe God has a good heart despite all the bad things that happen on earth.
Jim Kennedy had a good heart. I could see it in his eyes. I could feel his love even without touch. He always put me first. He was never selfish. He never lied and always wanted the best for me. He always kept his promises. He was an excellent husband. I could only trust and love him if I knew his heart was good. We can only trust and love God if we know His heart is good. God’s heart is good. I knew true love with Jim and that was just a taste of how much God loves us. This is how I personally can pierce the mystery of what love is.
Though Jim is gone, I can still feel his love. How? “The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched-they must be felt in the heart.” Helen Keller
Have you experienced real love from or with a human, perhaps from a pet, or giving something away that you love that brings you joy just from giving? Do you have a permanently heart-etched love from God? who … “demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” ~Romans 5:8~
What’s in your heart? Can your heart hold love as big as the moon?
I believe it can. Our hearts have the capacity to hold an infinite love not from something one can do for us, or what we can do for them, or what we can acquire from another or a thing, but simply being loved just for us! That is what we want in our hearts. God is after just “us!”
Online Dating, The Eagles and The Real Camelot
Jim’s and my online dating photos:
Excerpt from My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz p. 14-15:
“A Sampling of Dating Stories
I had many dates from many states. My first date was with a haughty airline pilot in a cashmere sweater and a shirt with monogrammed cuffs. He had horrible manners and didn’t offer me any of the bread and butter he gobbled down. He talked the whole time about how his ex-wife was not going to get any of his money. I just prayed silently for God to help my legs work to walk back out to my car.
Then there was the church employee who e-mailed me after our date, ‘You are so write for me.’
There was the desert cowboy who had giant holes under the arms of his dirty flannel shirt. The Wyoming cowboy surprised me after three wonderful days of horseback riding and horse auctions with a short statement: ‘I’m not ready for a relationship, and I don’t think we should see each other again.’
The funniest dates included the dentist with yellow teeth and the meter reader from out of town who, when it was time to pay for our dinner, said he left his wallet at home.
The most disappointing date was the biker who lied about his multiple marriages and job and almost got us killed going ninety miles per hour on his motorcycle on a mountain road and said he loved me.
The scariest date was the man who went for sex right away. When the tall parking lights eerily shined into his eyes, I named him the guy with the eyes of Satan. That was the immediate name that came to me, and I got out quickly.
The most dramatic date was the former NCIS agent who gave me some “skinny” on DC happenings and boasted of his love of guns and shooting and eating squirrels.
One of the most awkward dates was with a former pastor who was much shorter and chubbier than his online pictures. In addition, we clearly differed in our biblical beliefs.
The highlight date was the accountant who had a runny nose and carried a hankie with him to dab his snout. We were sitting on a bench up at Lake Dillon, Colorado, relishing the beautiful view. In the middle of my sentence he planted a giant, slobbery kiss on me, nostril drippings included.”
The recent death of Eagle band founder Glenn Frey reminded me of a date I didn’t mention in the book. I had a date with a former Eagles band member (acoustic guitar) I met on an online dating site. It was only one date but totally took me by surprise. While we were driving in his car he asked me, “What is your favorite movie?” I answered, “Camelot.” He then proceeded to sing the entire theme song from Camelot amazingly well. I was speechless it was so superb. This is the only time a man had ever sung to me.
However, only ONE date will be the best in my entire life. My first meeting with Dr. Jim Kennedy. Something I will never forget-every minute, every word, every note he sung to me or played on his harmonica.
I had 6 months of “Camelot” with this man. They may have been only six months, but they will always be the best six months of my life. My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz.
May he be forever remembered and honored.
IN HONOR OF …
December 31, 2015: I am honoring My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz Dr. Jim Kennedy today by re-posting my facebook post from last year, December 31, 2014. This is all I can think of to do to keep honoring him and remembering him as the best thing that ever happened in my life. And frankly, it’s all I can handle to blog about this time of year.
“IN HONOR OF … Four years ago today, on New Year’s Eve 2011, I found my beloved newlywed husband dead. James A. Kennedy, DVM, MS was the most tender, loving man I had ever met. So in my still-grieving heart, I post his pictures to still honor him and in knowing I will see him again someday in heaven. I still can not say ‘Happy New Year’ or respond as such when it is said to me. So to my friends on facebook, here is my post for today … In honor of Jim Kennedy.”
A Time to Smile
“A TIME TO WEEP AND A TIME TO LAUGH. A TIME TO MOURN AND A TIME TO DANCE.” ~Ecclesiastes 3:4~
It has been almost four years since I lost “My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz,” Dr. Jim Kennedy.
Life can come at times with vengeance or with peace. I have decided to return to life with a zest for volunteering at two equine ministries.
At The Son and Reins Ranch (www.thesonandreinsranch.org) hurting youth can show love to a hurting horse. 
Both youth and 
horse reap extreme benefits. (Just look at the expressions on the kids AND the horse)!
Or leadership and confidence can be experienced through basic horse training.
This 501c3 ranch uses their horses to provide support and encouragement to those ages 12-120 who are hurting for any reason.
I also partner with Combat Veterans Cowboy Up (www.combatveteranscowboyup.org and facebook Combat Veterans Cowboy Up). Hurting military veterans are helped to cope and find a way to recover from PTSD with our horses. CVCU is a 501c3 non-profit.
Our program has just been filmed to be included in the upcoming Documentary “ACRONYM: The Cross-Generational Battle With PTSD.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od33W1eEZ8s 
Created and directed by Denver’s Radio KOA Steffan Tubbs, this film premiers on Veteran’s Day, 2015 and pleads with veterans not to give up and shows some of the many organizations existing to help PTSD veterans recover! 
“If life throws you hell” (as many of our veterans have said), there is still a way to go on!
Amidst daily caring for the horses and participating in these 2 program’s sessions, I barely have time to even sit down! THEN-God surprised me with a new foal on July 16! We were told this mare was not pregnant by a veterinarian, so what utter joy burst upon us by being delivered a beautiful Quarter Horse filly. I named her “Gracie” after the grace of God. My first foal. I wept so intensely I could have fallen on the floor but knowing my bionic knees and hips surely wouldn’t have allowed me to get back up, I did sit down!
Just Born …
Gracie at 2-weeks-old. 
This little foal may have power-packed blood lines of “Man o’ War” and “Skipper W” but Gracie will be used someday to help hurting veterans!
“Here’s to LIFE going on”! And “Yes,” you can wear a smile even if you still have a broken heart! 
One of my “loves,” Morgan horse “Whisper.”
As John T. Nash, Founder and Executive Director of Combat Veterans Cowboy Up says, “We’re not out of the woods yet, but we’ve found the trail.” We are to use our pain to help others. And when we do that, we are the recipients of joy and a life purpose! And God is pleased and gets all the glory. 
“Taxi” one of our goofy Morgan horses. 
The Grandest Gift
I love my new life helping with rescue horses and troubled youth and equine-assisted sessions for military veterans. (http://thesonandreinsranch.yfc.net/ and www.combatveteranscowboyup.org). But this love goes much, much deeper.
I never thought I would make it through the severest of life storms. I wanted to give up many times. But God is stretching me in this difficult world. He wants me to show His light, to serve Him, to love Him and to serve others.
The light of Christ has kept me going. “Emmanuel” (God with us) who came as a baby in a manger reminds me every day of His priceless gift … the gift of salvation. Isaiah 9:6 states, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Corrie Ten Boom, I believe says it the best: “Who can add to Christmas? The perfect motive is that God so loved the world. The perfect gift is that He gave His only Son. The only requirement is to believe in Him. The reward of faith is that you shall have everlasting life.”
This is an original Thomas Edison hand-blown light bulb. Edison invented his bulbs in 1879. This one still works and is in my family’s possession. Although it is a precious bulb, it is nothing compared to the real light of the world.
“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'” (John 8:12).
Will you remember this “light” at just Christmas, or every day of your life?
My hope is you pursue and accept this light and let it shine for all to see!
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!
THREE WORDS
Helping at Combat Veterans Cowboy Up
I have spent a wonderful spring and summer helping at two ranches that serve rescued horses, youth, and veterans. What have I learned since I lost “My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz,” Jim Kennedy? Three words.
After 5 total joint replacements, loss of work, losing my one true love after only 4 months of marriage, loss of children and new family, trying to survive through life’s traumas and moving 4 times in 2 years, all alone … What could my purpose in life possibly be? How can I overcome?
I dove into multiple widows groups, women’s Bible studies, community classes, read the Psalms at night out loud for comfort, talked to multiple pastors and others who have undergone similar tragedies, spoke to a hurting widows group, and still was thwarted with the dilemma of how to survive! Then my cries were answered with two amazing places to volunteer using my love of horses and children! One is a horse rescue ranch which pairs the horses with hurting youth, one horse named “Boaz,” a beautiful black thoroughbred (no way this could not have been divinely orchestrated), www.thesonandreinsranch.yfc.net/.
Youth and “Boaz” the rescue horse
Youth and “Zoe” the rescue horse 
Youth with “Malachi” the rescue horse
Teaching youth how to pick horse hooves
The other divinely chosen place is www.combatveteranscowboyup.org which serves hurting PTSD, TBI and sexually traumatized military using their highly successful equine program. I have witnessed miracles when the veterans attend these nationally acclaimed equine assisted learning sessions. I help with horse care, scoop poop, assist with sessions, aiding the veterans and their families. I love this program, the horses and the veterans!
Combat Veterans Cowboy Up Equine Program
So what three words shouted out in my mind and changed my life and my attitude? “USE YOUR PAIN”!!!!! We are to use our pain to help others! …
2 Corinthians 1:4 says, “He’s the one who comforts us in all our trouble so that we can comfort other people who are in every kind of trouble, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
I have a wonderful new life volunteering for these two powerful programs in some way, every day.
If you want to feel better about life … help others! USE YOUR PAIN! 
Plowing On
It has been 2.5 years since “My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz,” Jim Kennedy, passed on. A time of grief convulsions, fighting not to slide into the grief pit, learning to take one hour, then one day, at a time, and ultimately to use the pain to somehow help others.
Attending and speaking at widow’s groups and participating in GriefShare have aided my healing tremendously. But volunteering at two horse ranches has uplifted me from the ever-present slippery slope of grief’s grasp.
The Son and Reins Ranch, (www.thesonandreinsranch.yfc.net) an equine ministry for rescue horses and youth to experience peace, hope, healing and love has provided me a place to use my love of horses and wanting to help the hurting. Finding a horse named “Boaz” and working with him is nothing short of a miracle. To my surprise, they did their February, 2014 newsletter on how Boaz and I met (under “About Us”/News & Links/Blogs, Newsletters and Cool Links/ Newsletter, February, 2014).
CombatVeteransCombatUp (www.CombatVeteransCowboyUp.org) is an organization that uses horses to help hurting PTSD military veterans. It has astonishing healing powers for the vets as well as those helping.
Volunteering at these two ranches has given me purpose, hope and new loves.
As Jim Kennedy would often say, “Plow to the end of the road” … I am plowing, Jim!!!
GriefShare Gives Hope
My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz
page 326
“How can I come out of all this and keep my faith?
How can I live in 24/7 physical pain? And heartbreak pain? The bottom line I faced was, Am I going to trust God or not? Am I going to trust in His sovereignty? How can I be an example of a Christian when I am so full of grief and hurt and loneliness and sorrow?
I took the grief share classes offered at a local church and found them very helpful. Their website is www.griefshare.org, and I signed up for their daily encouraging e-mails way back in January in Rocky Ford. They have been a daily blessing to me, even more than a year later.”
GriefShare is a network of grief recovery support groups meeting around the world. I highly recommend it. I have attended it’s (twelve-week) sessions three times in a row. It can bring immense healing and hope.
website www.griefshare.org Email: info@churchinitiative.org
(Permission to use photo of book given 4/21/2014 by Jodi Rule-Rouse, Senior GriefShare Consultant)
www.barbaraakennedy.com
The Smile
3/29/2014
“Boaz,” the thirteen-year-old rescued thoroughbred horse, at the Son and Reins Ranch, says, “I have been fed, I have been groomed, the sun is warming my body, I feel safe and secure. I don’t have to worry about being a prey animal right this minute, so I’m going to lay down and enjoy life right now.”
~”In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For Thou alone, O Lord, dost make me to dwell in safety.”~
Psalm 4:8
The Miracle of the Lost Ring
My Cowboy Knight, My Boaz p. 249
“My personal veterinarian told me that dogs with a broken pelvis are just put in a cage for six weeks to heal on their own. I pictured myself in a cage and that made me laugh too, even though it wasn’t funny. I think I was so happy to be home again with my husband that my body knew it was good to laugh.
The night after I arrived back home, he sat me down on the couch and put my wedding ring on my finger. I placed on his wedding ring, which we had bought at the Pueblo mall before my fall. He also told me he had secretly bought himself a fine western vest and Lucchese boots for the re-vow ceremony. I sobbed with my head on his chest. He said he thought my fall was a spiritual attack. I didn’t say anything. I just pushed my body closer to his. He held me, and we both sobbed.”
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“Miracle” according to Webster is defined as “an event or action that apparently contradicts known scientific laws and is hence thought to be due to supernatural causes, especially to an act of God.”
I have prayed for miracles many times. They do not always occur! However, when your once-in-a-lifetime true love puts on your wedding band, and then it is very unusually lost, it is heart breaking.
Upon leaving for a trip to Ft. Collins, CO. to meet a group of Christian veterinarians and attend their seminar, in honor of Jim I put my wedding rings back on. Upon reaching up and opening the mailbox on the way out, my wedding band mysteriously flew off and was totally lost. I looked for 30 minutes and could not find it amongst the grass, shrubs and rocks. I had to decide whether to fall apart and cancel the trip and stay home and cry all weekend, or go to the seminar. I stomped my foot down and said, “NO, I am going to that seminar!”
The seminar sponsored by CVM (Christian Veterinary Mission) WWW.CVMUSA.ORG and hosted by CSU (Colorado State University) was outstanding! The weekend was filled with classes, mission trip adventures, and what a true “calling” is. I was so blessed attending and meeting such awesome, dedicated veterinarians and students!
The next 3 weeks I searched every day for the ring. I wore leather gloves and pushed away the shrub branches, the rocks, rusted edging and grass all around the community mailbox and examined every inch! I taped up a sign with my phone number in case someone found it. Tears gushed out during every search party! This ring was a part of Jim and I felt incomplete and distraught. I went to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sports Authority, and Walmart and called three of the largest rental places to find a metal detector with no luck. I could buy one online for $699.99 but I needed a special unit that could detect platinum.
Miracles do happen. At a Monday night women’s Bible study, I asked all the 15 women if anyone knew of a metal detector around. One kind woman volunteered to look into this for me. She emailed the next day her fiance’ had found www.TheRingFinders.com in my city and I immediately emailed them.
A kind gentleman, Jeff Lubbert, volunteered to come out and look. It was my only hope, for the ring was definitely hiding where I could not find it.
Jeff came, and with his magical platinum detector, took 3 minutes to find it lodged deep in the grass! I immediately wept and literally bent over in shock and relief. God had answered this plea from me to give me back part of Jim. I hugged this stranger, Jeff, tightly and thanked him profusely for finding my simple band that was a million dollar gem to me!
Miracles still occur, some small, some huge. To me, I now have my wedding rings back and have gotten down on my titanium knees many times to thank this one true Miracle God that saw fit to answer a simple woman’s pleas.
